Today I’ve been thinking Spain. Somewhere warm. Some place you can lean back for a while. I didn’t push it, it just came into my mind and lasted. Right now my room has become coldish, the heater’s down, the night is on, it’s dark, and associated with that you long for some warmth to fill you up with, to enlightend your soul, to make you think carefree. There’s so much sorrow in this world. Right now, part of that is here in this room, between my walls, mirroring from me back to them, then back to some air til it gets back into my head, stays put, makes it heavy. Not good for sleeping time.
I’m not here enough anymore to think that through, what I am thinking is, that I should watch some movies again, movies I like so much, watch them too often I guess but I kinda get lost in those artificial smoothing world full of emotions, it’s so unreal and still it doesn’t feel like it. I like that. It’s where I play with my imagination.
I’m thinking of tomorrow where I have to get up early at 5.30 a.m. which is a terrible time for me since I’m only reasonable after 9 a.m., so there’ll be a lot of time to use to be carefree since I’m not able to remember what I’m afraid of and what I’m missing.
It’s funny that some time ago I said these things, things I was so sure of because I’d never really experienced them and was so sure of knowing how to handle them; but now, having them here, reality-close, I realize those things are a little more difficult to handle than I thought. Though it challenges me to handle them, to get though them, to at least be able to say I did everything I could. I’ve been through so many things lately, of which becoming healthy is the biggest one, I managed that, when I was doing it I thought I couldn’t and it turned out the other way round, so maybe this is a hint, maybe this means the exact same thing, that you can’t have it all, you can only try and fail or fight and win.
This is not about winning. This is about being cold when it’s cold outside and there’s nowhere warm so Spain comes into your head accidentally and since Spain’s like the ultimate synonym for my situation I want to pack and go. Not that I actually could, yes, even I know that.
I was so satisfied once. I was aching but I found things to do or places to see to make it go away for some time. I don’t have that anymore because there is this noise all the time, this presence of ones self, this inability to be absent for just a moment, you’ll be misvalued for that, reality doesn’t allow you to think it all through, and if you do you get lost and confused, and obviously that makes you wanna throw it all far away from you into the unreachable, but brains, they don’t follow your orders, they follow theirs.
Right now I’m physically sick and that makes me weak. Can’t go into details. But it makes me realize how I’m switching my moods when only one tiny thing gets inbetween the daily life. I want to be warm right now because it would make me feel safe even if I was to die, I would feel home and not scared.
Don’t get me wrong, this is how I feel today, and from time to time, not all the time, it’s just a glimpse of a moment of a day, and I’m reflecting it here. Sometimes it’s my way of dealing with it. I’m tired and sick and sick of both and sick of getting up too early and sick of so many other things that makes my mind unbalance but you know what, finally, at the end of the next day I’ll have it handled and I will be happy, maybe, because the only thing I can’t influence for real is what others do to you, and they can do you good and you’ll never know, you’ll know afterhand.
Oh Goodness this got really long. I’m going to change now and switch into my bed and call it a day.
Ikea was really nice though today. I bought tasty chocolate fudge cake that will disappear into my stomach through the week. The other thing you can always rely on is: chocolate.
btw, today it’s Ian Brown with “Fear”. A royal symphony, that tune, catchy and overwhelming. Like the final scene of an alternative movie.
October 28th, 2008 
23:47