For the record.August 26th, 2008

Does destiny always find a way?

While still asking myself this exact question, things have cleared up. My mother had forgotten her jacket at my grandmother, the weather was fine, I was willing to go and see her anyway, so I took out my bicycle and went.

Here’s the point to remind me of rule 6) (see right sidebar) – why can’t I stick to that??

It wasn’t scary at all to see her. Actually it really calmed me down. She was well tempered and altough she got lost in repetition again, she was so satisfied with her small life and her surrounding and me being there to listen. It felt good to see that. I was the toughest person, absolutely patient, so patient it really amazed me, I answered her questions again and again.

What is sweet about her that she always wants you to eat or drink something. So if you’ve just declined the cake or a cup of coffee, five minutes later she’s rumbling her fridge for another thing to eat. That in all her confusion (and sometimes she seems to realize it) she’s still giving all she has to offer is a characteristic that makes her unique.

I like to smell the scent in her house. It smells old and fusty, but that’s how it’s supposed to smell in her house. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Ultimately, I realized the reason for my distant behaviour. It’s my relatives. My mother and her sister, my aunt, and my cousins keep on visiting her regularly, sometimes three times a week, so there’s always the bad conscience. They don’t really speak out that it’s impolite to not visit her, but their unconscious behaviour speaks chapters. There’s always been some argument in our family about who cares most about her. From my judge of character it’s possibly their bad conscience as well?

When thinking about the visits in the last years, it crosses my mind that visits at my grandmother were often used to discuss just that topic mentioned above and, what is more, the state of my health. My sickness – before diagnosed – was always a reason for lively discussions and put me in the center of attention, which I disgust. I was so often about to take my things and leave. Several times I found myself crying loudlessly in the bathroom. They were talking about me while I was there, sitting right next to them. Shivers are running down my back when I think about it. Being at her’s wasn’t really a place to be (me).

But I can’t look behind the curtain. It’s just that time is running so fast and I can’t get hold of it or keep track. On the other side it’s always only a short trip away. I guess this is all about taking time for things that matter, even if they are unpleasant.

They don’t have to be, that’s what I realized yesterday. It’s a comforting thought to realize you are able to handle those situations now. Maybe this is as well about how content I am with my life right now. It’s all entangled.

And eventually I have to acknowledge that she’s old and I am not. Slowed-down process. The Internet is a complete mystery to her – I build my carrier on it. I try to catch it all and learn whatever there is to learn. She’s satisfied with what she knows, because it’s all she needs to be happy.

I don’t know about that, but I want for myself to get to this point some day, too. Let’s you rest easily.

Today it’s Sophie B. Hawkins. My brother bought her very first records. Very loungy.

Link of today: Ozeaneum Stralsund

imagepostAugust 26th, 2008 imagetime23:03

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