Sonnensegler.de

I know it is just the inbetween-time that makes me so nervous and anxious. I know it’s due to not doing sports or any agitation at all what makes my head go blank. Even though I’m not working against it. I should. I’ll ask for a job at a close supermarket later and then go swimming. I need this, for me.

Still I’m so desperately searching for something, I don’t know what it is. I’m looking at pictures where I was happy. Right now I’m not. I need to do something. Instantly. In sad times, it’s funny how your brain suggests how good things were once, even if they weren’t. It just picks out the raisins and tells you to want that old thing/life back. But if you start to think about it, you’ll see what made you change that part of your life, and that that is one reason to not want it back.

That’s the difficulty, in life you always have both sides, and if the bad one outweighs, you leave, if there’s a balance, you can make it work. I’m missing a balance in my life right now. I’m waiting for things to happen. I lose the will to do things, any things. But it will pass, I know it.

Just right now I had the urge to write about it. Again. You can’t run from old patterns.

Oh Dear, one more reason to start acting. Old patterns led me into the dark.

It’s funny how you can influence your own thinking. Maybe I’ll buy that book about optimistic thinking patterns anyway. My brain seems to have an issue. Time to debug.

note: I’d love to move out and design and equip my own apartment, but since money’s not so there these days, I can’t. My own four walls made me lonely once, but they were always a brilliant source for inspiration and creativity. I’m missing that here, due to the fact that most personal things still reside at my mother’s house, and there’s no room for them here. I want them to have room. I want my own place to show them, to rearrange, to get inspired.