Truthful.October 25th, 2007

I can’t sleep. I’m supposed to, but my mind is bothering me another night. It has to do with something you are not supposed to lie about, but if I don’t, I will lose my acceptance to study.

I was always good in playing roles, everybody was telling me that. I was so good in covering the truth, hiding myself and displaying a total different personality to who I really was. But here is the thing: I realize more and more that I can’t do it anymore. It’s not that I lost the ability to be someone else. I just know that what I’m doing isn’t legally right. I feel so trapped, acting against the right is making me feel bad, stealing my sleep, roaming my thoughts. Feeling trapped and knowing I’m deceiving keeps me from playing my role at its best. I did it once for now and I felt horrible.

I can’t find that it’s a bad thing to be honest. But if I’m not even able to tell white lies?

My feeling tells me that I shouldn’t do it while my head keeps saying: You’ll lose it all.

This conflict is exhausting me. I’m ready eating out of frustration, can’t sit still, wanderin around. I’m a mess by tomorrow.

Maybe there is one way out, I still have to check in the morning. If not, time will tell. Time itself doesn’t worry about truth, it just happens and decides.

I wish I could.

imagepostOctober 25th, 2007 imagetime01:32

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