So how and if and why.January 8th, 2007

I needed rest last night. I had slept in most of the day but I felt that more sleep would be needed. I couldn’t. There was a thing in my head, a thought, so many thoughts. Kind of thoughts which make you stay awake in the dark. Not about my life. About a person. A thought of a person can actually kill you, I’m sure of that. Anyway, it was half past three sometime and I decided to re-read one of the Nicholas Sparks novels. Then found the hint to “Leaves of grass”. I ordered this collection of Walt Whitman some time ago, long time. When I first read it it was difficult to understand with all those ancient, heavy words. I read a lot of poems last night and I understood all of them. It seems Mr. Whitman and I share a state of mind and soul. What he’d put into sense and meaning was the stuff that fills my head all the time. It’s so lovely and wonderful to see him having written some sentences on his deathbed, wishing for his lyrics and songs and poems to be a guide for future poets. I am a future poet and if only he had known then that I would be grateful for all his writings. The way he describes the beach and the flotsam (is this the correct word? I mean the algae and shells that were washed up at the beach) is astounding me. He worships all this as much as I do sometimes. There’s nothing more worthy and stunning than a tree and you standing underneath and looking up into it’s top. I couldn’t stop reading. The words were catching my eye or other way round. The thing is, I just couldn’t stop. Sometime I was so tired, I fell asleep.

I overslept this morning and had to get to university in a rush, by bike, without breakfast and through heavy rain. Damn it.

I just watched Crossing Jordan. Didn’t catch my attention so far. I was listening to Aimee Mann in the back so I didn’t really get the conversations on TV screen. Now it’s Café Abstrait Vol4, the best one in my opinion. I’m supposed to look right, straight to my physics stuff. I’m supposed to. Sometimes it’s so hard to win the conflict. You know you need rest but there are things to do. I don’t wish for comments on that one. That’s who I am. I’m not that easy person accepting everything. I’m asking and questioning and curious all the time. I don’t think this is a bad characteristic. It’s just that it’s keeping me from moving forward so often. Don’t know. Walt Whitman didn’t edit his poems either. These all are my poems. Maybe I’m in the wrong departement or in the wrong place or with the wrong people or have wrong thoughts about all the right things. I would wish for summer, yes. Summer’s so warm and easy like a feather. Summer is the better department. I don’t mind the rain, I got used to it. But I’ll never get used to the cold. I got home all wet and freezing and I stood there in my room for a second or so, hesitating, thinking ‘why can’t it stop raining on first day of university?’. I was so angry due to the cold rain and my wet jeans. But angry felt good.

This was my day so far. I need to go back to physics after having listened to the Abstrait. I saw a documentary about the anglicization of German words in relation to scientific discoveries. I’m sorry, so sorry. I love German writing and I can do it. It’s just that sometimes it feels so right to be english. In my former life I was probably an Englishwoman. Canadian for sure. I love Canada. I’ve never been there, but I love it though. That’s about the strange things: I can only feel it sometimes, not explain.

I’ve not gone nuts. It was a hard day. I need to go back to work. I had real food this night, ordered Pizza. The dessert, Haagen Dasz Belgian Chocolate tasted so heavenly good. I need a freezer. I do need a freezer now. I would probably die without ice cream.

Have a calm and long sleep, world out there. And wish it for me as well, please 🙂

Category is “Yesterday”. I’m too lazy to add another one that fits. And it fits in some way, with wide imagination. Imagination fits everywhere, I think.

imagepostJanuary 8th, 2007 imagetime23:33

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