Mind games and mind under a knife.September 28th, 2005

Actually I was going to write about the fact that you shouldn’t eat while watching CSI.
I did and it made me feel very, very, very uncomfortable. The details (of CSI of course!) I leave to your imagination. But let me tell you this:
NEVER MIX FOOD WITH CSI UNLESS YOU ARE VERY STRONG MINDED (because you just don’t wanna know where your food moves after eating).
I will remember this when being in lab during biology lessons…

What I am thinking to write about is a mind game. It begins with the thought that every teenager has in mind in complicated life moments:

What if I wasn’t born into this family?

I’m at the part of the game where I imagine my parents being- I don’t wanna say what I really wished cause someone I know could read or actually themselves, who knows?- but just a little more different to who they are. I don’t mean to say that their being doesn’t fit – I’m saying that there being doesn’t fit with my life. I realized it a few years ago when things went differently, then worse, then really weird, then in a self-destructing way. I’m pretty sure that in some things that happened I was involved (that means my destructive-thinking, for-the-least-evil-looking brain) but eventually I feel treated a little inequitably – from the point of justice in the world. I imagine my life a little bit better than the one I have. It’s not that I don’t know everyone sometimes does – but my ‘sometimes’ lasts for five years now.
I remember being in different places of world (i.e. Europe) and always feeling so good. That was not just the “everything’s different you’re in holiday”-thing. These were the times when I could feel my real me. That sounds ridiculous, but since then I’ve been trying to return to my real me and failed. I’m thinking that the root of your life, your social background, decides how you actually live. The given things just sometimes won’t fit. I’m not egoistic in real but have to be to save myself (and I wished there’d come a time where I could let my walls collide).
I’m really wishing for this perfect-life-scenario. I’ve seen it (and I’d thought it wouldn’t exist anymore) and it’s driving tears of unbelieving happiness into my eyes.
And all the people complaining about the many “I” ‘s and “me” ‘s in this entry I just ask: Is your idea of the perfect life you could imagine for yourself consistent with the life you are living right now?

Sometimes you need to think of yourself first. This is no egoism. It’s just the part where you feel you need to reactivate your self-healing to be a better you. In my opinion everyone deserves that. It would be awful if we would never be able bringing imagination and reality together. But sadly there is a whole world out there which never will because they are so afraid to make a change. I’m ready to make a change. And I’m afraid, too.

imagepostSeptember 28th, 2005 imagetime22:41

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