Sonnensegler.de

There was this documentary on Terranova about Antoine, a man who sailed through the Atlantic Ocean for a while, visiting a few islands, discovering their mysteries, their people, their landscapes and their beauty. When watching this documentary, a strong, awkward feeling rose up inside of me. It felt like deep sadness, sadness for something I don’t own, and I conclude it’s the vastness. Still the awkward feeling takes hold of me. And, while watching these pictures, the wide blue sea, the boat Banana Split, the people, the culture, the unknown, all I could think of was:

THIS IS WHAT I LOVE. THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO DO.

In the last entry, I wrote that I wanna go far away. It’s so true. I feel it more and more. Two more years I have to surrender in the known til I can leave town. I don’t know what’s right or wrong, and I still don’t know how I can reach the cure for this aching inside of me, but I can try to find it.

Still I wonder if there’s a way to back out. I’ve seen people who did it and live happily with not so many things. I know now that I don’t need many things. I just need my friends around me, a place I can call my home, though it has become clear that there’ll never be a place that makes me feel so safe as I do when I’m on the run. I’m comfortable with that. I’ve spent too much time sitting and waiting. Summer has come to town and it makes me drown in illusions of what I can do. I can, I know.

A boat. Some money. A map. An aim. Saying goodbye. The sea and me, complete disorder of everything I’ve known. But good. It will feel so damn good. Glad I have a dream I can long for. And until it’s the time, I write it all down, and one day I reconsider, read what I wrote and think that I am happy right now. I am so looking forward to this day. I can picture it in my head, but none knows what intervenes in the story of my life.

[Listening to Must be dreaming by Frou Frou]