It’s me.April 28th, 2005

I am thinking about the last years. My disease makes it impossible to forget and to forgive, mainly myself, because there were things I have done… None knows I did them due to my desperation. And so they went wrong. I could’ve told that before. I was so willing to feel something again, that I fell for those things… It’s not just feeling sorry. It’s how I hurt people, including me. Sometimes I become so angry, about everyone, about my life, about my behaviour. All this time I was trying to find me. I had spent a long time in a hiding- place, and maybe I thought by doing some crazy things I could make myself forget about how lonely I am. But it’s the truth, I am lonely, and I was just looking for someone to spend my too long time with, to talk to and to reason it all out, the mystery of the universe. I am sorry. I know there’s nothing I can do, but if I could turn back time, I would. Still I haven’t found myself, but I found out what’s wrong for me. Maybe this is a lesson, too, but I’m tired learning for I seem to regret everything that happened in the last four years. I don’ know what I did that I deserve this life, and I promise there were so many situations in which I wished it would end right now because the pain killed me, but I prefer life to death and that is why I’m not giving up. There has to be a tragedy that I give in. But after all I lived through, the pain, physical and mental, the problems, the emotions, turning you up one time and totally down the next, I’m not sure if there is something else that can bring me down like I was.

I’m missing my old life. I want it back. I deserve it. And even if I have to fight until my life’s over, it was worth it. This is no drama. This is just me. I just wanna be me again.

imagepostApril 28th, 2005 imagetime17:52

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